Little Hobbits, big trouble!
by ThurinRanger
Summary: Merry and Pippin have quite a history of causing trouble in the Ithilien household, but when they add Pippin's son to the mix, things can only get worse for poor Eowyn and Faramir. Rated Kplus to be safe. ;) Please, RandR! :D DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Never was. Please refrain from suing me.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even little Faramir. *sob* '(**

**This is my first try at a multi-chapter story, so please, give me feedback if I do something incorrectly! :) **

**Note: This chapter Faramir POV**

I rolled over one way.

I rolled over another.

_It must be at least midnight by now._ I worried as I stared at the ceiling.

Ever since I was young I had minor sleeping problems, and they still troubled me.

I sat up in bed and watched Eowyn sleep; she always looked like she was having the most enjoyable dreams.

I sighed.

When I had asked Boromir what I should do he had said that thinking about his day always helped him.

My day had been rather uneventful:

I had gotten up, eaten breakfast, and taken a stroll in the garden with Eowyn before settling down in my study for some reading.

After a few hours I had been interrupted by a letter.

Pippin had sent to tell me he was coming, with Merry, tomorrow.

I chuckled.

There was nothing Pippin found more enjoyable than surprising me; taking me off my guard.

I loved those Hobbits dearly.

When they weren't around, Eowyn jokingly called Merry 'Her Hobbit', so, I called Pippin 'My Hobbit': We always excitedly awaited their visits.

Now I was more awake then ever.

A few years ago Eowyn had recommended that I think about my favorite horses, apparently that's what had helped her get to sleep when she was little.

I thought about horses.

I had loved Boromir's horse, but I loved mine even more.

I thought about all the danger she had dragged me out of, how we were nearly always perfectly in sync with each other.

How she obeyed my every command, and I hers.

Tomorrow I was definitely going down to the stables.

I would take her for a ride, give her lots of apples.

Now I was even more riled up.

Mithrandir had recommended saying beloved poems and verses over and over in my head.

He had assured me it would put me to sleep.

I rolled over again, and started mumbling parts of a half-forgotten verse...

"Faramir! Wake up!" Eowyn laughed as she shook me awake.

"What's so funny?" I mumbled, still half asleep as I pushed some of my hair out of my eyes.

"The way you sleep sometimes..." She sighed as she lay back down on my side of the bed and tried to mimic what I had looked like.

I raised my eyebrows.

She was practically cocooned in the blanket, face buried in the pillow; one arm wrapped awkwardly around her chest, the other splayed out.

"Do I really look like that when I sleep?"

"Sometimes; last night especially."

"Come on; Merry and Pippin are coming today."

"I know. I was the one who told you." Eowyn snickered as she ripped open the window curtains to greet the day.

"Pippin!" I cried in glee as I bent over to hug my friend.

The Hobbits could only come occasionally, but that was enough for us.

We loved them, but still...

Having Pippin stay for a few weeks trained a man to look down his trousers and up his shirt every morning before he put them on; it trained him to inspect his bed thoroughly before climbing in it.

Having Merry stay for a few weeks trained a man to peer into the depths of his tea before taking a sip; check his saddle for those harmless but alarming explosives Merry so loved to put there.

Yes, the two loved practical jokes though they should have been more mature by now.

Somehow I had been able to find it in my heart to forgive them for the dirty leaves stuffed in between my sheets, the pins down my trousers, the spider in my tea.

The explosion when I sat in my saddle had almost put me over the edge though.

I offered up a silent hasty prayer for my safety as I released my friend from the embrace.

"Faramir," Pippin said casually as he thought quietly about how nice the man would look if his chest was painted with blue spirals in his sleep, "I would like you to meet my son."

"Pippin! Congratulations!" I exclaimed, as Pippin pushed the little Hobbit out in front of me.

The boy was very small, and very furry.

"Faramir," Pippin gestured in my general direction, "meet Faramir."

My surprised exclamation got lost and found its way somehow to my nasal passages.

Eowyn had to step out for a moment to wipe the tears of mirth from her face.

The little boy stared up at me with his big eyes.

"Youw my hewo, daddy tews me stowies about youw." He mumbled bashfully as I looked back at him.

I crouched down to be at eye-level with him, before extending my hand.

He took it, and we shook.

"Well?" Pippin broke the silence, "What do you think?" His eyes sparkled as I picked his son up.

"I'm honored to have such a handsome, brave little boy named for me."

Little Faramir hid his face in my shoulder with embarrassment.

"Let's get down to business!" Interrupted Merry, who had been standing patiently to one side all this time.

He glanced at Eowyn and me meaningfully.

"Luncheon!" He exclaimed as he made a rush for the kitchens, quickly followed by Pippin.

"I hope they don't find the jam!" Eowyn worried as she rushed after them.

Too late.

"Mr. Peregrin Took!" I yelled at the top of my voice the next morning, finding my hair in an exquisite braid full of flowers...

**Author's note: **

**I know that this chapter wasn't a lot of humor; I'm just setting the stage...sue me not please! **

**Next one will be up real soon, I promise. **

**Love to all my wonderful readers and reviewers! :D**


	2. Of glue and supportive wives

**Disclaimer: See previous chapter**

**Thank you to my wonderful reviewer, LaughingLadybug!**

**Wait, this can't be right! So many readers, yet one review!? **

***stares at all in question suggestively* *points to review box***

**Thank you! :D**

Eowyn barely survived the laugh attack she suffered as she struggled to undo the preposterous braid.

That Hobbit sure had a nerve!

I walked calmly down to breakfast, trying to pretend that nothing had happened.

When Merry saw me, he began to uncontrollably snicker.

"What's the matter?" I asked suspiciously, as I glanced up nervously to make sure he wasn't lowering anything onto me.

"You still have a flower in your hair!" He squealed in delight as he pointed out the daisy Eowyn had somehow neglected.

I tried not to laugh myself as I plucked it out, and threw it at my Hobbity friend.

"What was that for?" Merry asked innocently as he leant back in his chair.

"For the spider in my tea."

I was finally starting to outsmart them at last!

I couldn't help feeling rather smug as grabbed an armful of apples and sauntered out towards the stables.

The rest of the day went rather uneventfully.

Everything Pippin or Merry tried I managed to avoid; I knew all the tricks from the last time they had came.

The regular old practical jokes continued for about a week, until Saturday night.

I awoke Sunday morning, feeling very strange.

What was wrong? Was I ill?

I tried to move, but I could not.

I tried to rise, but I could not.

I couldn't even manage to lift my head enough to see the rest of my body.

"Eowyn! Eowyn! Help!" I called as loudly as the arm over my mouth and restricted chest would allow, as I struggled to free myself.

"What's the matter? Faramir?" She hurried into our room. It appeared that she had been making breakfast.

"Help!" I gasped, struggling to move.

"Faramir!" She cried in alarm as she ran to my side.

After a moments inspection, she started to laugh.

"What are you laughing at? This is no time to laugh! Something is seriously wrong!"

I scowled at her accusingly as I tried to move my head.

"I'm sorry!" She gasped as she fell down into a chair beside me.

"You're glued to your sheets!"

"WHAT?!" I was appalled at the idea.

"Yes! I wish you could move your head, for you are captured in a rather amusing position."

The regular old things those dear Hobbits pulled on me were relatively harmless, I was even able to laugh with them about it.

But this, this was going too far.

"How bad is it?" I whined in defeat as jerked my head desperately.

"Your left arm is over your mouth-"

"I know that!" I interrupted, savagely breathing in through my nose.

"-and your other arm is clutching your opposite leg, which is pulled up towards your chest-"

I must look ridiculous.

"-and your other leg is flexed out, oh Faramir! I'm so sorry, I just can't help myself!"

Eowyn was doubled over with laughter.

Oh my considerate wife.

"And how do you plan on getting me out of this?"

I dreaded the answer.

"I was thinking I could peel the bedsheets off of you..."

"No!" I cried in alarm.

Too painful.

So, while those evil hobbits were eating second breakfast, I was having buckets of soapy splashed over me.

"Is it working?" I asked though a mouthful of arm and soap.

"I can't tell..."

By the fifteenth bucket I was pretty sure I was going to drown.

"Alright!" She crowed triumphantly after another soak, "I'm going to peel them off now."

I winced in anticipation of the pain.

It actually wasn't as bad as I had thought it was going to be.

I could still feel the remnants of the glue in and around my ears and toes though for the next few days.

I came down to lunch very damp and very sticky.

My two lovely hobbit friends looked up at me with surprise.

"Well, I would like an explanation, if you please." I spat sharply as I took a scalding mouthful of tea.

The Hobbits eyes widened.

"We didn't do anything this time! Honest!" Pippin gulped, frightened at the expression on my face.

"What_ did_ happen to you?" Merry asked with mild interest, as he stuffed several different things at once into his mouth.

These Hobbits sure did have a nerve.

"Which one of you laced my sheets with glue last night?"

Merry choked.

Pippin gave him a few good pats on the back.

"Can't believe we didn't think of that one!" He cried in pleasure as he refilled my cup.

I fished out the unfortunate cricket.

Pippin laughed nervously as I waved it in his face.

"Oh get over it!" Eowyn laughed as she swept into the room, "You must admit, it was rather funny!"

Oh my supportive wife!

"Goowd mowning." Little Faramir mumbled groggily as he stumbled in, bleary eyed, to lunch.

It was hard to miss the dried glue on his hands.

I had a hard time controlling myself.

I reasoned with myself: Little Faramir was naturally the sweetest child the world had ever known! Of course! I would not even entertain the idea that a little Hobbit named for me could do something so cruel.

It was just a strange coincidence.

It had to be.

**What will happen next?**

**Is little Faramir up to something?**

**Will big Faramir survive the next practical joke?**

**Author's Note:**

**If you have any ideas for more tortures for poor Faramir, drop me a PM or write me a review and let me know.**

**I will give you credit for any ideas of yours that I use!**

**I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can! Promise! :D**


	3. Of sprinklers and naughty Hobbits

**Huge thank you to all those following and reviewing my story! **

**Ranger20: Thank you for your wonderful ideas! :D**

**OneSizeFitsAll: Thank you for your idea, and for liking Faramir. ;)**

**LaughingLadybug: Thank you! ^.^**

**Mirlasse: Yes, they are a terribly bad influence. *shakes head sadly* and to think that they are grown-up Hobbits!(and thanks so much for your wonderful ideas too)**

The next morning I was so out of sorts that I fell for the old Merry and Pippin classic: 'pins in the trousers'.

More on my guard now, I remembered to look in my tea for unfortunate insects before drinking.

Perhaps those Hobbits were feeling guilty, for there was no one swimming in my tea at breakfast.

I smiled triumphantly at my drink with pleasure before taking an enormous gulp.

A few moments later Eowyn found me spluttering and coughing, spitting out the disgusting tea.

"What's the matter? You didn't swallow one of those spiders did you?" She giggled with glee as she wiped up the spilled drink.

"They've poisoned me!" I choked hoarsely, sure that my time was almost up.

Eowyn raised her eyebrows dubiously and took a cautious sip.

She burst out laughing.

I was sure that she was in league with those troublemakers.

"How much longer do I have to live?" I coughed hopefully as she dumped the tea out in the sink.

She smiled sweetly.

"Well?"

"They put salt in your tea Faramir. Lot's of salt, but I doubt they poisoned you."

Those Hobbits were gonna get it.

After I had washed out my mouth, I went to find and punish them.

I soon found Merry, out catching spiders.

"Meriadoc, spiders are a nuisance, but salt! That was simply cruel." I growled, raising my eyebrows threateningly.

He looked surprised.

"I only put bugs in people's tea Faramir, you know that." He whined, seeing my wrathful advance.

"He really didn't Faramir!" Pippin arrived just in time to save his friend from a sad fate.

"Him and I were out enjoying second breakfast on that little bridge. We haven't touched any tea all day!"

I found that hard to believe.

"I'm letting you off for now, but one more move like that-"

"We know Faramir!" They cried as they scurried off for early elevensies.

I stormed inside, and up to my and Eowyn's room.

As I stomped up the stairs I nearly ran into little Faramir coming down, who smiled a big, embarrassed smiled before he hurried off.

I was too angry to take note of it as I wrenched open the closed door.

Was. Covered. In. Orange. Paint.(my least favorite color, if I may add)

At first I had no idea what had happened.

One, there was a paint bucket over my head, anyone who has ever experienced that would know how hard it is to collect one's thoughts when there is a paint bucket over one's head.

"EOWYN!" I screamed(yes, it was more of a scream than anything else)as I tried to yank the can off my head.

My noble efforts ended when I stumbled into a dresser(which really shouldn't have been in the middle of the room)and fell over it, just as Eowyn rushed onto the scene.

At first she was quite alarmed, but after she assessed the situation, there were no appreciated cries of:'Oh my poor husband!', no, there was just more of her disarmingly uncontrollable laughter.

I almost died.

After much struggle, she succeeded in wrenching the paint-can from my head.

"Oh Faramir!" She tried to choke down her laughter, but she couldn't.

Looking back on it I doubt she tried as hard as she could have.

"Your covered in Orange paint!"

As if I didn't know.

When I had wiped my face enough so that I could open up my eyes, it was plain what had happened.

That unfortunate dresser had been moved to a convenient place so as to be used as a stool.

There was no doubt as to the culprit.

"It's on, little Faramir, It's. On." I growled through my teeth as Eowyn began to peel off my orange clothes.

After much careful thought(during which Eowyn scrubbed the wet paint off me with a sponge), I had decided that Little Faramir could do with a good taste, no, definitely a gulp, of his own medicine.

It was just a matter of thinking up some satisfactory way of pranking him.

I evilly laughed on the inside, because if I evilly laughed on the outside, Eowyn might start worrying that I was losing my mind.

Then a horrible, unwanted thought entered my head: What if I was losing my mind? Why else would I want to evilly laugh?

I was so paranoid.

I was not losing my mind.

That Faramir, I was gonna make him sorry

I had the perfect evil plan, now I just had to carry it out.

A sprinkler in his bed, my was I clever!

I snuck into his room, and stuffed one of my most unforgiving sprinklers under it.

Since all my sprinklers were wired to a main system, I could easily turn it on late tonight from the safety of my bedroom.

But something wasn't right, the sprinkler was making a suspicious whirring sound.

Vvvvvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hmm, why was it doing that? It wasn't even turned on yet.  
I leaned in closer, trying to locate the point from which the sound came.

And then it happened.

The sprinkler exploded.

In my face.

Luckily for a certain naughty Hobbit, I wasn't seriously hurt.

Water jetted in every direction.

My nose, mouth, and eyes were filled with my freezing cold sprinkler-water.

Spluttering and coughing I exited the room as fast as I possibly could.

Well, at least any paint Eowyn missed would be gone.

Hopefully.

I've never figured out how Little Faramir planted that explosive in my sprinkler.

I have tried many times myself whenever Aragorn visits(he makes the funniest face when he is surprised like that), but it never works.

**Next chapter will be up very soon!**

**:D**

**Please do not be offended if I did not use your suggestion in this chapter, that means that I'm saving it for a different chapter.**

**More suggestions are wanted though, if you have them, of course! :D**

**I apologize if this chapter was a little short, I'll try to make the next one a bit longer!**

**Thank you to Ranger20 and Mirlasse for the ideas for this chapter!**

**Mirlasse, I hope you don't mind that I made yours slightly more evil.**

**Water felt Merry and Pippin grade. **

**;)**

**Alright, so here's the question of the day:**

**Would you rather live in Gondor, or Rohan?**

**Why?**

**You can post your answers in the review box, or if you'd rather, feel free to PM me. :)**


	4. Of black eyes and a re-arranged house

**Hello again! Sorry it took me so long to get this one up, I'm writing two stories at once! D:**

**OneSizeFitsAll: Still, thank you! Rohan? Neat, personally, I would pick Gondor. **

**Mirlasse: Thank you for those stellar ideas! :DD**

**LaughingLadybug: Yay! I'm so happy you're excited about the update! **

When I woke up the next morning, I was surprised to find that I wasn't tied to my bed. I wasn't painted silver. The door was closed...all the way. And, though I looked very carefully, I couldn't see any trip cords strung across the room.

A feeling of deep foreboding filled me as I climbed gingerly out of bed.

What had happened to Faramir? Surely he hadn't given up his evil ways?

I cautiously made my way across the room to the bathroom and picked up my toothbrush before staring, asphyxiated, at my reflection in the mirror.

"My. HAIR!" I screamed, the sound bringing Eowyn running from the kitchen, more out of curiosity to see what new trick my namesake had pulled this time than out of concern for her beloved husband.

She stopped short at the bathroom door and gasped.

My gorgeous brunette locks were gone, leaving only a tousled, raggedly cut, tangled mat on top of my head.

"Your. Hair!" she gasped, covering her mouth with her hand and staggering down onto a stool.

"I KNOW!" I screamed some more, running my hands frantically through it, I couldn't actually believe it.

Eowyn just stared, open mouthed for a few moments.

I think she was trying to get used to me.

Then she started snickering, then giggling, then outright laughing!

She wouldn't be laughing if it was _her_ hair that got cut off!

I growled menacingly as I grabbed a green cloak and hood from the hook in our room and began befitting myself in Ranger garb.

"What're you doing?" Eowyn asked with mild interest as she turned off the electric toothbrush I had left running.

"I'm leaving."

Eowyn looked up, startled.

I pulled the hood down low over my face, hoping nobody would be able to see my lack of hair.

"Whatever could you mean?" She said, getting a little worried.

"I will come back when those Hobbits are gone, and my hair has returned.

Until then, I will be in the woods with this green hood pulled over my face."

"Now Faramir! You can't really mean that?"

"I do, Eowyn." I pulled on my boots and headed for the door.

"May I say what I think about my husband hiding in the (dirty)woods, wearing a (dirty)green hood?"

I shook my head and continued pushing on towards the front door.

And so, poor Eowyn had to stand in the doorway and wave merrily to me(it was all forced, definitely all forced)as I prepared to saunter away towards the woods.

And then it happened.

There was a whoosh, and then a crash.

"Aunt Ivriniel's beloved Gondorian vase!" Eowyn screeched, as I tried to collect my thoughts.

I was lying in a pile of shattered vase.

"What's he trying to do, murder me!" I yelled hoarsely(my yell/scream was almost used up, I had been using it a lot lately)as Eowyn ran around in circles wringing her hands lamenting the loss of our precious vase, and all the sentimental attachment, and the little hand-painted flowers and, oh, you get the idea...

And then she noticed me(for the first time)sprawled on the ground with a broken Gondorian vase on top of me.

"Faramir! Are you hurt?!" She cried, rushing over to me.

The next day found me in bed, recovering.

"We could just send them away..." Eowyn mused, handing me a new ice-pack for my head.

"No! We couldn't do that! We need to teach them a lesson, and _then_ send them away."

Eowyn nodded seriously as she stared regretfully at the place the vase had once sat.

"How are we going to do it?"

I had not thought about technicalities like that yet.

I thought hard for a few minutes

Eowyn fidgeted uncomfortably.

"I know! Let's move around all the furniture in the house! It would confuse them."

"Let's try it once you recover." Eowyn decided, before leaving me to make those nasties some breakfast.

"Move it up! Further!" I hissed in a whisper as we moved all furniture(and rooms for that matter)around.

It was midnight.

It was pitch dark.

Eowyn and I struggled to move an enormous couch into the kitchen.

We moved the dining room into the hallway, the hallway into the bathroom, the the bathroom into the dining room.

We moved the study to the bedroom, the bedroom to the balcony(a move we deeply regretted when it started to rain); we moved the coat closet to the kitchen, and the kitchen to the coat closet.

If it hadn't been dark(I nearly killed myself several times)it might have been rather fun.

"Now," I whispered as we snuck back into our chambers as dawn slowly broke.

"act like nothing is different. Drive them out of their minds!" I whispered evilly as we slipped into bed(and got heavily rained on).

"Good morning, Meriadoc." I said jovially as I sat down for breakfast in the Dining room in the Hallway.

Merry looked surprised and confused.

"Faramir, is it just me-"

"It's just you." I interrupted quickly as I dished up Merry's plate.

Merry's eyes widened.

"But wasn't-"

"Nope."

Merry coughed loudly and as he gazed wide-eyed at his surroundings.

"WHAT!?" Pippin screeched in confusion as he walked into where the dining room should be, but found the bathroom instead.

"Pippin? The dining room is in here you silly Hobbit!" Eowyn sang pleasantly as she guided the stumbling Peregrin to breakfast.

"What? Wha? Merry?" Pippin squeaked as he stuffed a spoonful of strawberries into his mouth.

About fifteen minutes later little Faramir sunk into a chair.

I smiled secretly as I observed the beginnings of a black eye.

_That was what that crash was. _I thought happily as I gleefully imagined little Faramir tripping, disgruntled, over the toilet and face-planting into the side of the bath.

"Whawt hawppened?" He mumbled, trying to get comfortable in the small hallway that was now the dining room.

"Nothing my dear Faramir. This is the way it's always been of course. Pass the catsup Eowyn darling." I smiled warmly at my nemesis, trying my hardest to look innocent.

The Hobbits all looked confused and worried as they tried hard to stop staring about them and start eating.

When I rose to go read a book in a study, Eowyn passed me a triumphant glance over the Hobbits' heads and I smiled to myself.

Victory at last!

After getting lost twice, I finally found my way to my study(which used to be my bedroom).

I swung open the door blissfully before stopping, staring, in horror at the sight before me.

My. Study. Was. Torn. Apart.

**Oh no! What will happen next? While you wait for the next chapter, make sure to check out my other stories, especially 'A Ranger of the woods', and please review so that I may post the next chapter of ****_that_**** story! **

**Please review, and give me ideas for chapters to come! **

**Question of the day:**

**Who do you like better? Book-Faramir, or Movie-Faramir?**

**Why?**

**Special thanks to Mirlasse and OneSizeFitsAll for the ideas for this chapter!**

**Special thanks to OneSizeFitsAll for the dialogue of the 'Faramir's hair is gone' scene. ^.^**


	5. Of FES and a lost voice

**Disclaimer: Refer to Chap. 1**

**So. So. So. Soooooo. Sorry. For. Taking. So. Long. On. Updating. This. Chapter.**

**Please forgive me! But seriously guys, I won't update again if I get the same response I did last chapter. What was this response, you ask?**

**NOTHING.**

**(Except for Mirlasse, and OneSizeFitsAll the awesomesauce people(or possibly elves) that they are)**

**Mirlasse: Thank you! Yes, I love book Faramir very much. I don't know if you saw, but that dialogue actually belongs to OneSizeFitsAll. Thank OneSizeFitsAll, not me!**

**OneSizeFitsAll: I agree with you about book Faramir. Your welcome, no problem!**

**Thank you do much! It makes me so happy to know that I have people laughing! :D**

I yelled until I lost my voice, which didn't take very long.

Then I used some scathing words, which, thankfully no one could hear, for my voice now consisted of a quaking whisper.

Eowyn soon flew onto the scene.

I think she thought I had suffered death by relentless hatchet wielding vacuum cleaner.

"What happened?" She choked, expecting the worst.

"My study!" I croaked/whispered, sinking forlornly to my knees, wringing my hands in a rather un-manly way.

It looked terrible.

Bookshelves were over-turned, the desk was dripping with green goo, the books had suffered wreckage by pocket-knife, the carpet was covered in muddy footprints, et cetera.

Eowyn stared, eyes wider than I thought imaginable, before storming without warning down-stairs.

"Faramir!" She screamed, as she made her wrathful descent.

At first I thought she was yelling at me, and jumped guiltily, wondering how she'ed ever figured out about my midnight-lembas-pantry-raids.

Gulp.

"You scoundrel of a Took!" She screeched.

I breathed a gusty sigh of relief before hurrying downstairs to enjoy every minute of the torture.

And so little Faramir was locked up in the coat closet(which was now the kitchen), for the rest of the day.

Things were looking bleak.

Eowyn and I no longer felt safe, and I had even more problems going to sleep, paranoid as I was about night attacks to my person.

Merry and Pippin were convinced they were going crazy, for we had decided to get them back for everything they had ever done to us by keeping up the 'nothing's changed at all you silly hobbits' act.

The next morning I rose from my bed, found myself un-maimed in any way whatsoever, and hurried down to breakfast.

Merry was icing his head, explaining that he had read somewhere it helped cure possible insanity.

Pippin refused to entertain the thought that he was out of his mind, and so, was more disturbed than ever.

Eowyn had developed a terrible cough(we had been rained on for the last two nights straight).

Little Faramir was the only one in the room who appeared to be enjoying himself, for he wore a smug, satisfied look on his face as he surveyed the spectacle.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

The minute we were finished eating, I dragged Pippin aside.

"Pip, your son's out of control."

"I know Faramir, I hoped you wouldn't notice." He whined.

I was deeply offended that Pippin thought me dumb enough to miss such an obvious thing.

I decided to bring it up with him later.

"Pippin, we need to do something. We need to teach him a lesson."

"What do you suggest?"

A few hours later I, Eowyn, Merry, and Pippin were all seated in various places in my wrecked study.

We were holding a secret council.

This secret council was called: The council of Faramir extermination.

The name was suggested by Eowyn, of course.

It made me terribly uncomfortable.

So, it was I who suggested that we refer to the council in the future as the acronym CFE.

"As I was saying, we need to lure Faramir to his demise. Faramir, are you paying attention?" Eowyn asked sharply, shooting me a look that would have caused birds to drop(dead and toasted)from the sky.

I smiled nervously, trying my hardest not to die a sorrowful and toasted death.

"Much better, now, does anyone have any ideas?"

Silence.

"Then the council will adjourn until further notice. See you next meeting, assuming we are all alive by then." She smiled grimly, before handing each person(or hobbit)present a homemade cardboard badge.

"You are now all officially members of the secret service: FES.

"Which means?" Merry asked weakly, feeling quite dumb and insane.

"Faramir Extermination Society." She said as she pinned hers on the inside of her dress.

The others followed suit.

And so we waited, for something.

While we waited for something, I was the victim of a goo filled water-gun assault, vinegar soaked contact lenses, and a chipmunk in my bed.

I barely lived to tell the tale.

And then deliverance came

"Look what I found!" Eowyn squealed with delight as she waved a muddy brown notebook at the members of the FES.

"What is it?" Merry asked dully, feeling like life was no longer worth living if he was truly as insane as the situation suggested.

"I found it when I was doing little Faramir's laundry." She crowed, completely ignoring the Hobbit.

She opened it and we all crowded around, trying to see.

This is what it read:

Praincs too pul on inesent victemns:(typed as found. These spelling errors are not mine, but a certain Hobbits)

Cuut farameers haer

Rek farameers studie

Covor farameers hors inn mud

Pul out ewins ey brows

Put selt inn farameers tee

Breek farameers vace

Ecplod sprinkeler too suprise ewin

"Pull out my eyebrows!" Eowyn shrieked in horror, rubbing her fingers along her eyebrows to insure the deed had not already been done.

"How will this help us?" Pippin asked skeptically, pulling out a red pen and methodically correcting his son's many errors.

"Don't you see! We set a trap for him!"

"I see!" I whispered enthusiastically, hugging Eowyn rather violently with joy.

"FES, depart!" Eowyn cried loudly, wrenching herself form my grasp and returning the notebook to its original place.

"What does FES mean again?" Pippin asked worriedly, doubting his sanity more and more by the minute.

"Faramir Extermination Society."

"Oh. I though it meant something else..."

"What did you think it meant?" Merry asked with mild interest, wondering if the red ink tasted in any way delicious.

"Favor Eating Supper. You know, like a protest sort of thing."

Merry began to worry for his friends sanity.

**What will happen next? How will the ensnare little Faramir? Will the ensnarement meet with success? Will you take part in the Favor Eating Supper protest marches? Will there even be FES protest marches?**

**Await the next update, read, review, favorite, and follow to receive a virtual FES badge! ^,^**

**Thanks to Ranger20(guest) and Mirlasse for some of the ideas used in this chapter! :D **

**11 reviews? Oh my Valar! Keep 'em coming! :DDDDD**

**The question of the day: What funny alternative meaning to FES can you come up with? Come on, make me laugh! You know you can!**

**I'm still taking ideas, if you guys have them. **

**:D**


	6. Of nked squirrels and anger management

**Here I am! Deepest apologies for my absence. :(**

**OneSizeFitsAll: Thank you for weeping for me! :')**

**Mirlasse: Thank you! Awesome ideas! :D**

**Frodo's sister: ^.^**

**And the winner of the FES contest is...Mirlasse! with: **

**Friends of Elves Singing, and Followers of Erestor Seneschal!**

**:DDDDDDD**

**Now follows the next chapter, yay! :DDD**

I was getting very, very worried about my future as the Steward of Gondor.

My voice had only come back slightly, and now I sounded frighteningly like that Gollum-creature I had conversed with in Ithilien.

Eowyn frankly prophesied that it would stay that way.

Merry had helpfully added that the King would probably fire me because I would probably traumatize the citizens.

Pippin had finished up the thought with the idea that I could consider moving into some cave somewhere far away.

I was feeling very depressed.

Eowyn had started anger-management classes to help her control her violent feelings towards little Faramir.

::::::::::::::::::

"Hhhhhhheeeeeeellllllpppppp!" Merry shrieked from the dining room.

"What's the matter?" Pippin hurried over to him as the unfortunate Hobbit staggered out into the hallway, holding his head, eyes wide.

"Squirrel...there was a...n*ked...breakfast!" Merry spluttered, collapsing into the chair I had the presence of mind to slide out for him.

"Calm yourself Merry! What happened? What's n*ked?" Eowyn asked worriedly, stooping to be at eye-level with him.

"There...there...there was squirrel...but it had no fur...and it was hiding in my breakfast..." Merry choked, making wild hand-gestures in the general direction of the dining room.

Pippin's eyes grew wide.

"It was my son that did it Merry, I'm sure of it, no one else would know about..." He trailed off, his face reddening as he glanced my way.

"About what?" I croaked with interest, handing Merry a glass of water.

"Well, um, when we were lads, well, there was this tale that Mr. Bilbo told, about the Gollum creature,"

I wondered suspiciously if this was a deliberate attack on my person.

"and it scared Merry terribly, and I used to tease him about it. It would give him night-mares, and all sorts of things. He's rather embarrassed about it." Pippin explained, patting the shocked Merry on the back.

"Alright. Time to do my duty." Pippin huffed after a moment of contemplative silence, before hurrying into the dining room.

"Faramir! I'm shocked at you!" A horrified pause. "What. Did. You. Do. To. That. Poor. Squirrel."

"I shawved iwt. Wiwth Faw'meer's shawver."

I gasped, wide-eyed. How could he? Now it would be all clogged with squirrel fur...

I gagged.

Eowyn gagged sympathetically.

Merry glanced up at us worriedly.

"How were you mean to Uncle Merry?"

"Stuwffed da sqwirrel in 'is fwap-jawkes."

"How do you feel about your actions?"

"Nowt Goowd."

"Lovely. Now, go to your room. Now."

A sound of scurrying ensued.

Pippin shook his head as he returned.

"I don't know what I shall do with him...oh goodness! That squirrel!"

A few moments later a very embarrassed, furless squirrel attempted to assume a dignified air as it slunk back to its tree-hole outside.

I felt my own crop sympathetically.

Merry was now somewhat composed.

"This has to end. Now. I propose an emergency meeting of the FES. Eowyn?"

She nodded.

Pippin quietly closed and locked all the doors around us.

I pulled up a chair.

"Now," she whispered, as we leant in closer, "here's the plan:"

::::::::::::::::::::::

Eowyn flashed little Faramir a brilliant smile as she fingered her eyebrows delicately.

"Oh Eowyn! Your eyebrows are so perfect!" Merry sighed fondly, as he dug into the luncheon before him.

"Ah yes, my Hobbit friend, I strongly agree." I hoarsely whispered, trying to get my mis-behaving voice under control.

Eowyn sighed pleasurably as she refilled little Faramir's cup with milk, before grabbing the mirror she had conveniently placed on the counter, examining her eyebrows in a most narcissist way.

Little Faramir snickered evilly.

We all pretended not to notice.

Eowyn sighed happily before ending her eyebrow exaltation, and beginning to eat.

This was gonna be so good.

::::::::::::::::::::::

"Goodnight darling." I coughed in a croaky way, as I lumped up my side of the bed with pillows.

She smiled eagerly.

We could barely contain our excitement.

A soft knock sounded on the balcony(our new bedroom)door.

I let Merry and Pippin in.

Eowyn assumed a sleeping position as the rest of us hid.

Merry behind the headboard, Pippin under the bed, and I behind the door.

And then we waited, expectantly.

We had to wait a long time.

I tried to stay awake, but somehow I drifted off...

:::::::::::::::::::::::

I awoke to a sharp pain in my fingers.

I stifled my gasp just in time, my skin burning as I tried to silently wrench it from the door.

Of course, little Faramir had accidentally opened the door on my fingers.

It figures.

I finally managed to slip them out, red and swelling.

I stuck them in my mouth and watched eagerly.

Little Faramir crept around to Eowyn's side of the bed, and brandished a tweezers with relish.

My muscles tensed, waiting for the moment when I should spring.

He lowered them, slowly, leisurely, about to do their work, when suddenly...

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Eowyn shrieked, lounging up at him with one of his own infamous squirt guns, filled with his own infamous goo, nearly getting a tweezer in the eye.

Merry lounged out from behind the headboard, whipping out of his jacket an even bigger squirt gun, and attempting to soak his victim.

Pippin leapt out from under the bed, as I sprung from my corner, both of us brandishing similar weapons.

Little Faramir's squeal of surprise was lost in our assorted battle cries as we as made for him from different angles.

I squirted wildly in his general direction, trying to come up with a better battle cry than Eowyn's.

"He squirted me! He has one too!" I choked in surprise, trying to locate the little scamp in the dark.

Little Faramir slipped out, unharmed, leaving us to our fate.

Our plan had been flawless, it had been perfectly executed.

Except for one(two)minor detail(s).

We were all coming from different angles. It was pitch-dark. Fate was against us.

Little Faramir did not in fact have a squirt-gun.

Eowyn had shot me by accident. I had shot her back. She had soaked Merry, who had squirted Pippin.

And so the battle raged, that is, until we ran out of goop.

The lights went on, and we realized our mistake.

"That little scamp! I'll get him!" Eowyn growled threateningly, forgetting anything she had ever learned in her anger management classes.

"Eowyn! Be calm! Think happy thoughts! Think about horses!" I whispered as loudly as I could manage, attempting to console her.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! SHUT UP ABOUT HORSES!" She screamed madly, pulling herself out of my, Merry, and Pippin's desperate grasp before charging through the doorway like a bull.

"Let's go hose off outside." Pippin suggested, after a moment of regretful silence.

"Yes, let's. We'll deal with them tomorrow morning." Merry agreed, hurrying down the stairs after Pippin.

I desperately wanted to get clean, but first I needed to call off my wife before she committed murder.

I only hoped I wasn't too late.

After much searching and calling I finally found them.

Little Faramir was hiding in a tree, with Eowyn underneath, waving my sword and yelling some highly unrepeatable language.

I winced as I hurried over to invite her to the hose.

**Plan #1 is foiled! Oh no! What will happen next? Will our heroes succeed in exterminating our evil antagonist? What ever happened to that n*ked squirrel? I don't honestly know! Excitedly await chap 7! :DD**

**Question of the day:**

**The Hobbit: do you ship Kili/Tauriel or Legolas/Tauriel? Why?**

**I am in desperate need of ideas for future chapters! *assumes naughty, cute little Faramir attitude* Pwease!? :3**

**Thank you! :D**


	7. Of baths and the worst day of my life

**Hello Again! Sorry, so sorry. :( Eowyn mistook my for little Faramir(it was dark. anything can happen in the dark), and so, I have been on the run for a bit. *smiles guiltily* Ok, ok, Igotreallyintothisreallylongandreallyentertainingpieceoffanficandwell...itshappenedtoallofus. **

**:)**

**OneSizeFitsAll: Thank you! ^.^ I respect your opinions regarding Tauriel, Kili, and Legolas; though I don't necessarily agree with them.**

**HannahKathleen: Yay! Thank you so much for enjoying it! :D Your stories about your Dad's college adventures are hysterical. :)**

The sun rose happily the next day as if nothing had happened. It smiled down upon Middle-earth.

It smiled down on The King and Queen, heartily enjoying a delicious breakfast together. It smiled down on Legolas, pleasurably explaining to Gimli the meaning behind the name: 'Figwit'.

It smiled down on a very peaceful, very happy Shire.

And then it prepared itself to smile merrily down on Ithilien, and ran into a slight problem.

It beheld quite a depressing sight: Two very sleepy, very sticky Hobbits fighting over butter in the kitchen. A yelling and screaming shieldmaiden running about the balcony(on the sidewalk below hurried scandalized mamas, covering their children's innocent ears). A desperate, sleep-deprived Steward, hand bandaged, croaking uselessly, begging her to come out. And, most disturbing of all, a very small Hobbit, kicking back, smiling, sipping something he wasn't old enough to sip...

_What are youth coming to these days? _The sun thought sadly as it left in search of somewhere else to smile upon.

So began the worst day of my life. Ever.

"Eowyn? Darling?" I croaked hopefully, trying to get into the locked room.

"I'D RATHER BE PECKED TO DEATH BY CHICKENS THEN-what is it you-"

"Eowyn!" I interrupted hurriedly, thinking considerately of the little children on the sidewalk below. "Eowyn, please come out! Or at least unlock the door, maybe? I need to shave, and shower, and-"

"ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF! AS USUAL! NO CONCERN FOR YOUR SUFFERING WIFE WHATSOEVER!"

I winced. Eowyn had a sharp tongue.

Then I had an idea.

I drew one of the hair-pins from my hair(yes, I wore hairpins. Don't tell anyone), and proceeded to pick-locked the door.

I smiled smugly in her direction as the door swung open.

I barely survived it. I made it out just in time to dodge the replacement I had just purchased for Aunt Ivriniel's prized vase.

I hurried down the staircase, her screams still ringing in my ears.

Or maybe that was because she was still screaming.

I burst into the kitchen, interrupting a heated argument over the preserves.

"We have to do something you guys, before we all go insane."

Merry smiled sarcastically.

"My dear Faramir, in case you haven't noticed, PIPPIN AND I ARE ALREADY INSANE!" He yelled this so forcefully that it left him breathless.

"But at least you haven't LOST YOUR VOICE!" I hissed.

Merry and Pippin winced at my strangled sounds.

"But think about poor Eowyn!" Pippin countered after a moment of recuperation, "She's bound to break a blood-vessel with all that screaming."

"I think I'VE broken a blood vessel with all this screaming." I growled threateningly, as I stormed upstairs to try to force my way into the bathroom again.

"How dare you! You-"

"Eowyn! This story is K+! Remember?"

"Oh, sorry, I forgot."

"I want to get into the bathroom. I need to bathe."

"OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU'LL BATHE!"

Things were looking rather hopeless.

"Eowyn, I don't want to do this, but I will fight for my bath if necessary." I growled threateningly, making a move for the bathroom door.

"Bring it." She smiled grimly as she sprung at me.

So began a battle that will be sung of for ages.

We were locked in combat, tumbling over things, and eventually crashing through the bathroom door.

"I'm getting in that bath!"

"No you're not!"

I pulled her one way, she yanked me the other.

We slipped on a puddle of soap on the floor.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Eowyn screamed in horror, as she spat the thick, pink water out of her mouth.

I just sat there, soaked, and in shock.

"What happened do you think?" Said Eowyn icily, glaring at me from one side of the tub.

"I think that we have fallen into a bathtub full of cosmetics. Honestly Eowyn, I never new you used so many."

Eowyn turned a deep shade of pink, or maybe that was the makeup soaking us.

I was in trouble now.

"I'LL GET YOU!" She roared, vaulting out of tub after me, and chasing me down the halls.

:::::::::::::

The hobbit's jaws dropped at the spectacle we made.

Both of us dripping with thick pinkish brown liquid, Eowyn chasing me ferociously around the house.

"What's wrong with them?" Pippin asked in a horrified whisper, as we darted by again.

"I dunno Pip, but it doesn't look good."

"Do ya' think we can catch it?"

"I doubt it. At least, I hope not..."

"Oh Merry! I can feel the rash starting already!"

"Oh no! It is contagious to Hobbits! Don't touch me Pip!"

"I'll try not to Merry."

"Oh Pippin, now we're insane AND ill."

"We get all the tough luck Merry, that's the way it's always been."

They sighed dejectedly before continuing to bicker over the milk.

:::::::::::::::::::

A few hours later found the FES locked up in the linens closet, coming up with yet another devious plan. Merry and Pippin certainly looked ill, and Eowyn and I were keeping to opposite sides of the closet.

"Alright." Eowyn said after a confused pause from the Hobbits. "Does everyone understand the mission? Agent F, please stop smoking that pipe." She growled threateningly in my general direction(it was rather dark in the closet, I honestly couldn't believe she could tell that I was the one smoking).

I pretended that I hadn't heard, and continued smoking it pleasurably.

I could almost feel her scowl.

"Now, everyone, act like nothing is up. We'll trick him this time for sure."

BOOM.

"AAAAHHHHH! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?"

"Cough...is everyone...cough...still...alive?...cough."

"Cough coughOPEN THE DOORcough cough"

"What happened." Eowyn choked when she was able to stop coughing, as she clapped a spluttering hobbit(in the thick smoke it was hard to tell which)on the back.

"I think," I coughed, smiling guiltily, "that my pipe exploded."

Eowyn looked at my blackened face and fizzled hair in astonishment.

"You did that on purpose?"

"No! No, I think it was a trick pipe!" I dodged a book she hurled at me as I offered a hasty explanation.

"Guys!" Pippin sneezed hastily, waving his arms wildly, "Please don't fight! We have a mission to accomplish!"

Eowyn bared her teeth.

I shielded my face with my hands.

Merry rolled his eyes.

Pippin looked concerned.

"Alright," Eowyn growled after the tense silence had subsided, "plan goes into action. Now."

And so began that worst part of the worst day of my life. The battle to end all battles.

It started in the lounge where little Faramir was leisurely reclining in MY chair.

"For the Shire!" Merry and Pippin shouted in almost unison, making for their target at top speed, brandishing two cream pies threateningly.

Little Faramir just smiled in a 'bring it, bro' sort of way.

As our Hobbit friends ran through the doorway they fell, and were entangled in a tripwire, landing the heavy cream pies right on our nice carpets, not missing the furniture either.

Eowyn looked like she was going to have a seizure.

"Time for phase two." She hissed in a dangerously low voice, grabbing my arm and dragging me toward the next plan of action

::::::::::::::::::::::

"Man of Gondor catapult? Oh no...you gotta be kidding me-" I whimpered as Eowyn proceeded to assemble the weapon of war.

"Oh yes Man of Gondor catapult! And I thought you would be the best person to try it." She smiled evilly, before pushing me onto the platform.

**Oh no! What will happen to poor Faramir? Will their house be completely destroyed? You tell me!(in the review box)**

**Thanks to OneSizeFitsAll and HannahKathleen for some of the ideas used in this chapter!**

**Question of the day:**

**Favorite member of the Fellowship and why?**


	8. Of utter mortification and the end

**And I'm back! Terribly sorry, as usual, for the wait. But at least I don't take two years to update, some authors do...**

***moving on***

**Elhini Prime: Thank you for noticing that bit o' humor! ;) Thank you for putting this on your favorites list, it means a lot to me.**

**OneSizeFitsAll: Faramir uses hairpins after his hair is cut off to try to mack the uneven crop look a little better. Thanks for the ideas! Personally, I think PJ's Pippin is to die for...**

**HannahKathleen: Yes, those hobbits are wonderful. Thank you for continuing to review, and yes, our poor protagonists are enduring quite a bit.**

**2MFriedmanFreak: I feel the same way about poor Boromir... Anyway, I completely understand about the reviewing, I'm just glad your doing it now! :D**

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!" I screamed hoarsely as I hurtled through the air, in full armor, right at a wide-eyed little Faramir.

He squeaked in distress before scurrying out of the way, leaving nothing in between myself and the ground.

"We'll save you!" Merry and Pippin cried, stumbling over various piles of disheveled furniture in an attempt to break my fall.

They were too late, and I landed smack into the wall.

Eowyn just stood there, eyes like saucers with her hand over her mouth. Merry and Pippin helped me up with regretful apologies.

"YOU PUT A DENT IN MY WALL!" She screeched un-sympathetically, tearing down the stairs toward my disgruntled form.

"WELL IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO PUT THE ARMOR ON!" I choked back, by throat strained to the breaking point.

"JUST LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID YOU MORON!" She cried while hurling large books at me.

"ALRIGHT YOU-oh my Eru, the wall and floor actually are very badly dented." I breathed in astonishment, gazing regretfully at the result of an armor-clad man of Gondor.

Eowyn just growled menacingly, before hefting a large encyclopedia on her shoulder, and stalking out of the room.

Merry and Pippin shared a look of horror before racing after her, trying to stop her from doing something she'd regret to that small boy.

Meanwhile, I was sleep-deprived.

And bruised.

And angry.

So, I made my way up the stairs to my balcony/bedroom, in hopes of a short(and I prayed peaceful)rest.

I removed my armor, and flopped down on my comfy bed with relief.

AAAAACCCCKKKKKKK!

I hissed in pain, and leapt up off that bed like I'd been stung.

That little brat had covered a board with nails, placed it on top of my mattress, and slyly covered it with a sheet. I rubbed my painful behind angrily, before storming down the stairs to wreak my revenge.

:::::::::::::::::::::

I was greeted with a terribly disturbing sight.

A litter of ravenous baby wolves was running wild in my lovely house.

"WHAT!?" I whispered in agony, racing through the halls with the beasts on my tail.

"Eowyn? What's going on?" I whimpered in horror, as they teethed on the furniture and pulled down the drapes.

"I don't know, but STOP THEM!" Eowyn yelled, diving for a particularly naughty one.

Suddenly a low, threatening growl reverberated across the room.

"Eowyn, don't move. Back away from the wolf, slowly." I hissed as quietly I could,

beholding a very overprotective mama-wolf, advancing angrily towards Eowyn.

"I think," Eowyn squeaked, edging towards to door, "that we should leave them to their own devices."

I nodded, hurrying away from the scene.

Once we were safe, Eowyn started to rant.

"I can't believe that boy had the NERVE to let those CREATURES loose in MY house!" She stomped about the halls angrily, waving her fists at anything she could think of.

"Eowyn!" Merry ran into the room, a look of terror on his face, "He's sprayed grass clippings all over!"

Eowyn and I were soon standing, horrified, staring at the lovely dining room, full of grass clipping-water-soup.

"Where is he." Eowyn growled, her voice dangerously low.

"I don't know, perhaps in the front hall?" Merry offered, ducking a blow she sent at nobody in particular.

"Look, there he is! In the study!" I choked, pointing to a small, furry figure up to no good.

"Just look at what he's doing!" Merry gasped, staring in horror at the spectical.

Little Faramir had just finished spray-painting a collection of offensive phrases on the wall.

"Faramir thinks Eowyn sucks. Uncle Merry's an idiot." Eowyn read, her very being seeming to pulse dangerous anger.

I grabbed her arm and quickly escorted her from the room, though not before we all got squirted with neon blue spray-paint.

Yes, things were seeming to go from bad to worse, but the worst was still yet to come.

:::::::::::::::

"Arm yourself with anything you can find. This is it. Today we fight the good fight!" Eowyn cried, dodging a baby wolf who was currently despoiling the coffee-table which was already covered in offensive spray-painted comments.

"Ack!"

Pippin's yell interrupted her little speech, causing us to race towards the distressed sound.

"What's the matter, Pip?" Merry asked worriedly as we rounded the corner of the hall and found him.

"I took a nap here in this seemingly safe hallway, and I just woke up, and look!" He cried in dismay, showing us all the clothespins attached to various parts of his hair, clothes, and body.

I winced.

"I'm sorry Pippin, but you can't take those off now. We have a war to win." Eowyn shouted with vigor as she brandished her kitchen knife.

Pippin whined, but didn't dare disagree.

We all armed ourselves with whatever we could find: Eowyn with a kitchen knife, I with a book, Merry with a slinky, and Pippin with a frying-pan.

We fought for hours, falling into practical joke after practical joke.

::::::::::::::::::::

I sat tiredly against the wall in the front hall next to Eowyn, exhausted after the last bout of pea-missiles.

She looked upset.

"Faramir,"

"Mm?"

"all this time I've been letting my anger at little Faramir get control over me, blaming you for everything. I'm sorry. Faramir, I hope you don't think I hate you, because I don't. I love you."

I smiled.

"I love you to."

Merry looked up from the other side of the hall in surprise.

"Faramir!"

"What?"

"Your voice just came back!"

I suddenly realized that it had, and was terribly overjoyed: maybe the King wouldn't fire me after all.

But Eowyn wasn't finished yet.

"I'm sorry about when I got so angry and I pushed you into the bath; and when we were covered in makeup how I chased you everywhere."

"I forgive you."

Pippin's eyes grew wide.

"So that means we didn't catch something!"

He and Merry embraced with glee.

Eowyn and I looked at them in confusion.

"We thought we had caught something from you guys, but we didn't! Hurrah! Now we're only crazy!"

I looked at Eowyn guiltily.

"Merry, Pippin, you guys aren't crazy."

"Yes we are! The rooms moved!"

"We moved them. It was to get you guys back for everything you ever did to us."

The Hobbits heaved a sigh of relief.

Suddenly a volley of dark coffee was released from the heavens(the 2nd story), and completely soaked the already destroyed front hall.

Once we had all recovered from our dousing, Eowyn shook her head sadly.

"Guys, I don't think we can ever win against him. Ever."

"Yes, he's too smart for us." I sighed regretfully, feeling my still tender backside from the nail-incident.

"I think," Eowyn looked on the verge of tears, "that we, the FES must resign to live with him, to endure without complaint the endless flow of practical-jokes.

We all nodded long-sufferingly.

"It will be like: 'Death by 1,000 teeny tiny cuts'" Pippin sighed after a moment of silent speculation.

"More like being pecked to death by a chicken if you ask me." Merry grumbled, glaring at an insulting, unrepeatable phrase adorning the wall opposite him.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

"Come in!" Came Little Faramir's tiny voice before we could stop him, just as he was taking the luxury of sliding down the banisters.

"He-Oh my, what sort of natural, and expensive, disaster has occurred here?" Came a concerned voice as the door swung open.

We all just stared in shock for a moment. Then Eowyn tried desperately to cover the offensive phrase, Pippin and Merry tried to constrain the snarling mama-wolf, and I quickly slid a face-down cream-pie under the sofa with my foot.

Little Faramir just stood there, smiling smugly, hands in pockets.

"Did we interrupt something?" The King breathed, as he, the Queen, Prince Legolas, and most of the court surveyed the scene with shock: Coffee everywhere, snarling wolves ruining everything in sight, grass and mud everywhere, cream-pie everywhere, goo everywhere, as well as some very disturbing messages on the walls and furniture; Eowyn covered in blue spray-paint, cream, coffee, and a little blood.

Me with a crop, spray paint, nail-marks, and bruises.

Merry with his hair full of spiders, as well as considerable coffee and neon blue spray-paint.

Pippin covered in all of the above all well as clothespins, and a very charming little hobbit covered in nothing at all.

Eowyn had a 'Kill me now' look on her face as the most important people in Gondor surveyed her wrecked house with interest.

And then they came through the doorway.

poppopopopopopopopopopSPLATSPATSPATSQUELCH

"What...happened..." Aragorn spluttered, dripping with water.

"I think...we've been pranked." Arwen giggled, wringing out her hair.

Of course. Little Faramir had booby-trapped the door with hundreds of water-balloons.

"How could you, you little ungrateful idiot!" Eowyn screeched in fury, pinning little Faramir against the wall, brandishing her kitchen-knife threateningly.

"Stop, Eowyn!" Aragorn cried, raising a hand.

Eowyn glared over at him, furious at having been stopped.

The King and Queen held a whispered conference, as the irritated attendants endured their saturated robes.

"We are quite taken with this little rebel," Aragorn smiled brightly and continued, "Pippin, he's your son isn't he? We would like him to spend the summer at the palace. He would brighten things up a bit, you know?"

The knife fell from Eowyn's hands as she staggered into my arms. She looked as if she would faint from the shock.

"Well?" Arwen said eagerly, as we all just stared at her, open-mouthed.

"I guess, if you really want him for that long..." Pippin choked, hoping they would take him forever.

"Of course they want him!" Eowyn cried, springing from my arms with new energy, grabbing a piece of parchment and and quill pen.

"Faramir, write down that they will keep him ALL SUMMER LONG, then they can sign it." She instructed excitedly, as I quickly scribbled down the required information and the King and Queen obligingly signed.

"Well, we _were_ coming for a visit, but I suppose we will just return to the palace now." Arwen said, rather awkwardly, if elves can be awkward, as she glanced at the ruins of our house.

I nodded enthusiastically, picking up the runt by his arms and handing him to Arwen.

"Faramir, are you sure you don't want to come along? We don't want you to feel badly about being separated form your namesake..." Aragorn kindly offered, smiling warmly at the disgruntled Hobbit suspended before him.

"I think I will be Just. Fine." I spat through gritted teeth, practically throwing the offensive beast at Arwen before quickly ushering them out of the door.

"Pippin, remind me never to have any children." Merry sighed as I carefully closed the door, cautious of a second booby-trap.

"Will do, Merry. Now, how about that apricot jelly-"'

"No!" Eowyn cried in a panic, chasing the laughing Hobbits into the kitchen.

As before, she was too late.

~FIN~

**There. It's done. If you have been reading this and not reviewing, now would be the time to do your duty! Thank you, reviews make my day! :D**

**Thanks to OneSizeFitsAll for encouraging my idea for the ending, I hope you enjoyed it in color! :)**

**HUGE thank you to all my wonderful reviewers, for making this story possible! **

**I couldn't have done it without all of ya', your support means worlds to me! **

**Bless you!**

**~Thurin**


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